Since I was an early teen I have struggled with depression and self
image issues. Most of it started when I was fourteen. I thought that I
had to have a boyfriend in order to be happy. I sought approval from
everyone but especially my boyfriend. If I didn’t have a boyfriend I
didn’t think that I was good enough for anyone or anything. When I had a
boyfriend, however, it still wasn’t good enough for me. I still wasn’t
pretty enough, I still didn’t get enough attention, I wasn’t good enough
to be around. I was too tall, too skinny, to loud, to crazy. I thought
everyone was just annoyed by me. If anyone even gave me a compliment I
twisted their words in my head and turned it into something negative. I
hated myself more than anything. I didn’t think that I deserved to live.

I have attempted suicide three times. I’ve struggled with cutting and
burning myself to punish myself for living and for not being good
enough. Even when I was at my high points I would still cut and burn
myself. It was a release for me. It felt good. I’ve seen several
therapists and they each say that I show many, if not all, signs of
sexual abuse. I don’t remember, or choose not to remember if that has
ever happened to me. My brain blocks out anything that is too painful to
remember. Even now, years later, we are still discovering memories that
I have blocked out.

 I have been so lucky to have survived this long with all of the damage that my body and mind has been through. It’s a miracle.

To anyone that struggles with similar things I would just like to say
that you can get help. You can find your way out. Even when things look
like they can’t get any worse, like it would be easier to just die,
trust me, I know from experience. It is just as easy to live. If you
keep on living you will get to experience even more. If you don’t think
your life is going anywhere, you are wrong. God has a plan for you. He
has a plan for all of us. He is the only one that can understand
everything that you and I have been through. If you need help and you
feel like you don’t have anyone who can help you, I challenge you to ask
God. No matter how bad your relationship is with Him, no matter what
religion you are, he will always reach out and take your hand.

As for self image, everyone struggles with self image. You just have
to figure out how to love yourself. It took me years to do and I still
struggle with it today. You have to learn to accept what you have and
work with it. You can’t change it, so there is no sense in crying over
it. I don’t know how I learned to love myself. My parents sent me to a
wilderness camp in order to help in curing my depression and it was
there that I finally came to terms with myself.

 I chose the name peppy because I looked up push in a thesaurus and
“pep” was one of the synonyms in the “mental determination” section,
hence Peppy. I’ve had to push myself physically and mentally to survive
this long so if you are struggling with similar things, be prepared for a
long rough road to recovery. Don’t get discouraged. It can be done. And
if you don’t get anything else from this story, learn this: to NEVER
EVER EVER GIVE UP!! !!!!!